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Greetings!  From  General Colon Bowel ™

 Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.  I am "General Colon Bowel"™..........no relation.  You might not know, your government has put together a specialized task force due to an epidemic that is taking over our nation........constipation !! 

 We're called The Colon Patrol ™ .

It is our hope that by becoming a soldier, you will not only be armed to be a survivor of this epidemic.... but that you can help us by reaching out to your fellow Americans, and help cleanse the colons of this nation.....one person at a time.

 Currently 85% of Americans suffer from constipation. 

Constipation is disguised by the following symptoms:

• Gas & Bloating

• Excess Weight

• Fatigue

• Bad Breath

• Hemorrhoids

• Bad Digestion

• Headaches

• Constipation

• Protruding belly

• Parasites

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There were some very famous Americans that suffered from constipation:

  The King

Now, take a look at his face!

I don't know about you but it sure seems that he had a hunk' a hunk' a burning something going on in there.

 It was reported that he had a 55 lb. colon that measured as much as 5 inches in diameter, while a normal colon should be 1-2 inches in diameter.  However, it was also rumored that the man below had a Mega colon weighin' in at 80 lbs.

  The Duke

Do you remember that famous walk he had?   And you thought is was his gun.  As you can see no one is immune to constipation.  Not even American royalty.

  General Colon Bowel ™

Question and answer session in Boot Camp:   

Q: General.  Why do we have this constipation problem in our nation?

A: First of all.  Ya'll are only eating about 1/3 of the recommended daily fiber that you should be eatin' daily.  Soldier, think how many servings of fresh fruits and vegetables have you had today. *American Diabetic, Heart and Cancer Associations recommend 33 grams of fiber daily.

Q: Well, honestly I have had none sir. 

A: DID YOU SAY NONE?  5-9 fresh fruits and vegetables are what you should be eating daily! *1 in 3 Americans will die from some type of cancer

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 Another part of the problem is we have a lot of white flour and white sugar type products in this country.    I don't know anyone who does not consume white flour and white sugar, and if they say they don't, just check and see if they don't happen to be carrying a Krispy Kreme credit card.  You know who you are out there.

 Q: How does white flour and white sugar affect our colon?

A: Son.  Can you tell me what white flour, white sugar and liquid of some kind make up?  That's right!  Paste!  I am talkin' glue.  Now our intestinal tract is approximately 27 feet long.  I want you to picture a clear plastic tube that long and try to picture glue goin' in one end of that tube and travelin' through and getting out the other end of that tube, WITHOUT some of it stickin in the inner walls!  As you might be able to imagine that is nearly impossible.  What happens over time is it build up layer upon layer, upon layer of toxic, putrid, hard, dried, encrusted, stinkin' matter.

 Don't get sick on me yet.  Colon Cleansing is NOT for sissies.   I haven't even got to the part about them critters.  Oh, you don't think you have worms?  Now everyone knows they need to de-worm their dogs and their cats, but we forget that most of you out there are sleepin' with someone, who is livin' in your home, eatin' up your food and just SUCKING THE LIFE out of you.  This is NOT a good time to point to someone next to you.

 Q:  How do we get these critters...umm...I mean parasites?                                       

A:  WELL, DO YOU BREATHE?  DO YOU EAT PORK?  Sir, how do you think that piggy got so wiggly? 

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 Let me tell you those creepy crawlin' critters like to hang out around your rectal area and give you them itchy buns, and it gives a whole new meaning to the term "gettin' jiggy with it".

 I know most of you don't think we have that problem here in America.  Let me tell YOU, when I was in KO-rea, now some of you might say Kor-rea, some people tend to say Kor-rea, I tend to say KO-rea.  Now, when I was in KO-rea.  Nevermind.  CAUSE YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!

    If you are going to help cleanse the colons of this nation you must be prepared to meet your enemy!

*Americans are host to over 100 different types  of parasites. This is a photo of a parasite.

Don't get afraid of him.  In fact I'd get used to looking at this and just give him a name and call him "Seymour".  Cause if you see one...you're bound to see more.

Q: How do we fight this problem?

A: Ladies and gentlemen......that is why The Colon Patrol ™ is here.  To give you:

Our Secret Weapon ™

Q:  I know this is Top Secret information, but how does this secret weapon work?

A:  First of all there are three parts to this program.  For those of you who may be from Oklahoma, that is ONE........TWO.........THREE.

  Now the first part to our program is.....CODE NAME ...... "THE BLASTER" 

      Ever wonder how torpedoes get shot out of a submarine?

 Not anymore.

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There are some side effects to using this product.  It may cause mild to downright violent gas.  DO NOT use in the presence of a fire arm.

Now, the second product.....CODE NAME...... "THE TRUTH"

  Why the truth? 

Cause it will get things out of you you've been holdin' in for a LONG time! 

The Chinese have their water torture, but we just double bag our captives a cup of tea and stick them in a locked room for ten hours.  Then their just dying to get it all out.

There are some contraindications with this product.  DO NOT use the tea in the P.M. and mix traffic in the A.M. 

Now, the final product......CODE NAME...... "THE FLUSHER" 

This product was especially designed to rid us of foreign invaders and I'm not talkin' about them Canadians.  It is used to  flush the enemy that is hidden in the deepest, darkest holes and was successfully used in the locating of Saddam Hussein.

  There is a side effect.  It may cause mild nausea to total revulsion to certain foods, pet & family members.

Before we can go out cleansing the colons of this nation you must first start with YOU! 

Your first assignment is to start using Our Secret Weapon ™

However, let me warn you the hanging around the potty can be dangerous and may sound down right like war!

 For those of you thinking of skipping this part of the assignment......Warning:  There will be an inspection! 

I thank you for choosing to be "One of the few, the proud,

 The Colon Patrol ™

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Warning:*This ad was designed as a humorous presentation on colon cleansing products.  It is not an attempt to mislead, offend, diagnose or prescribe.  For serious constipation or health concerns with your bowel management, please obtain the advise of a licensed health practitioner.